Self-defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People

How Drama Venting Sucks Us in and Blocks Connection

Connectedness. It comes from sharing one or more positive emotions, mirroring behaviors and a mutual interest in each other’s well-being. When present, these feelings create a sense of intimacy. They are a foundation for civility and a critical element in the prevention of toxic exchanges in the age of Covid19. Anna Maravelas, author of Creating a Drama-Free Workplace: The Insider’s Guide to Managing Conflict, Incivility & Mistrust, says we can’t eliminate negativity without talking about how to create connectivity and cultivate positive emotions. “Our bodies crave positivity. If our bodies don’t get it, the void is filled by drama.” Currently, everybody is in a heightened state of anxiety, and despite the heartwarming tales of human kindness and heroic deeds, our worlds are filled with drama.

The prerequisite to connectedness is safety. To feel safe, we need to see and hear each other. With email, texting, online posts and even virtual communication, seeing lacks vision and hearing lacks heart. Add to this a decade of anxious times prior to the debut of Covid and we are entering into the isolation age precipitated by human disconnect. More loneliness. More drama. “Loneliness has a debilitating impact, and 47 per cent of Americans don’t have a primary relationship of feeling included,” says Maraveles. “There is a lack of community, as well as hurt, depression and anger. Since 2005, mental health issues have escalated and there has been a 40 per cent drop in empathy since they began measuring it.”

Increased loneliness, decreased empathy and a dearth of connectedness fosters drama, and a short supply in the benefit of doubt. Go to any Caremongering or community page and you can watch this unfold. People are doing the right thing — they are self-isolating, but they are also pounding away behind screens releasing their tensions. When widespread, isolated conditions grow, agitation sets in and negative energy becomes as contagious as the virus itself. We react with a reflexive response, which Maravelas says is marked by blame of others (you’re an idiot — ‘covidiot’) or ourselves (I’m such a loser). “People who blame others are also brutal on themselves. The anger shifts from the other, to themselves, to others and back to themselves. This anger can lead to depression.”

Maravelas, who has resolved about 300 workplace conflicts, wants to prevent people from falling into the pitfalls of negative energy and she offers an alternative. “We can join in and add to the downward spiral of negativity, assume change is not possible and ignore the undercurrent of tension, or we can gather up our courage, raise our collective awareness and move in the opposite direction toward a reflective response.”

A reflective response to conflict and drama doesn’t focus on personality and it isn’t inflammatory. A reflective response focuses on the problem and it looks at the why. Why is that person acting that way? What is the reason for that person’s behavior?

A reflective approach ignites a physiological change and our bodies shift into curiosity mode. Our body becomes primed for conversation and it opens up for dialogue. Interestingly, we can also prime our body position for negativity and anger.

How to Manage Anger Flooding

Maravelas describes anger using John Gottman’s concept of flooding. When flooding is created, a biofeedback loop is created and the anger gets picked up by the other person creating the contagion effect.

On average, we have about 30 disagreements or frustrations per day. Our thoughts about these events cause the flooding, not the events themselves. If we choose how we respond to these events we can literally control the world we want to live in. People mirror how we respond. This is simple. It can be profound.

There are a few techniques Maravelas uses to help her escape the downward spiral of flooding. To begin, she uses two mantras to help her with control.

1) “Walnut brain, walnut brain, walnut brain.” Within the cortex is the emotional part of your brain called the Amygdala and it looks like a walnut. You can’t problem solve from this place. To prevent flooding, Maravelas repeatedly reminds herself of that when she begins to feel the surge.

2) “Is this thought helping me to solve my problem and reach my goals?” A question she asks herself in the play-by-play moments of a stressful situation to help her maintain her discipline.

She explains further. “If someone slights you, it’s easy to build a story around the slight. We get upset and drama vent. Does that help me? Instead, I ask myself, ‘Did that person lack courage, or skill? Or did I? Was there a mutual, temporary lack of skill or courage?’”

Why do I have to be the Bigger Person?

Well, you don’t, but there are benefits.

1) It’s contagious. We all have a negativity bias and we also have the capacity to open up dialogue with warmth. If you are the person to step into a reflective rather than a reflexive response, Maraveles says the other person will reciprocate what you offer 96 per cent of the time.

2) It’s a healthier choice. Flooding is extremely toxic to your nervous system and it is related to heart disease.

3) You’re a much better problem solver. Maravelas cites some John Gottman research that says when our heartbeat exceeds 100 BPM we can’t hear what others say. Hormones, adrenaline, and cortisol limit our memory, our hearing ability and the capacity to problem solve. When we flood, we blank out. And don’t forget, you will have up to 30 frustrations or disagreements today. You will create success and maintain integrity in those exchanges, and with the people you love, or they will trigger self-defeating habits of an otherwise brilliant human. What you create is literally your choice.